Please take your willy out of your drink. 

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I thought I’d sailed passed the early years without much in the way of difficult bottom-related situations – a friend was dealing with such scenarios as her son putting plastic farmyard hay bales into his nappy, and another has a son who proudly announced at the top of his voice that ‘Daddy has a really fluffy willy’. But recently I had a hurdle that more than made up for my so-far-smooth parenting ride, when it comes to issues of the crotch.

On getting out the bath one night recently, my son asked me for a glass of water – which I delivered to his room, where he was getting ready for bed. I think it’s fair to say this was not a naive act on my part – it had not occurred to me, (based on my previous experience of people and drinks), that he was going to utilise it for anything other than quenching his thirst…

I returned five minutes later to find him naked, in the press-up position. It wasn’t so much the fact that he was planking at 5 years old, without breaking sweat, but the fact that he was dangling his willy into his glass of water.

Me: “Ok…. erm, that’s not exactly what I intended the water for….”

He grinned, super proud.

I don’t want him to think that willies are no-go areas, so I confirm that this kind of shenanigans is fine – just not in his drinks. Or in public.  And I confirm that he doesn’t do this with his drinks at school…

He changes the subject: “Mummy, do you think that Conor McGregor listens to Skepta?”

The inevitable birds and the bees question has already occurred and was easy – it came very early on, I explained that people in love are like jigsaw pieces – he understood and it was done and dusted very smoothly. The tampon question has been raised, and again was dealt with without a problem. I thought I had this nailed. But the naked-pilates-beverage-performance was up there with his previous question about how Jesus got into God’s tummy – these weren’t on my list of things I would be required to have really helpful, non-embarrassing cool responses to, as a parent.

On the positive, I realise that all the above are potentially great tools to keep in mind – for example, to use during dating. Either of those questions, along with the dangle-your-bits-in-a-drink act, would be a superb way to ensure that an awkward date, or unpleasant relationship, comes to a sharp end. Perhaps also good for interviews for jobs you don’t want: “do you have any questions?” Or “do you have any special skills?”

So I conclude a positive take on the genitals-in-drink occurrence – I shall repeat in times of need. In the meantime, the questions keep coming…

Son: “Mummy, when I was in your tummy did I have a head?”

Me: “yes.”

Son: “did I have a body?”

Me: “yes.”

Son: “arms?”

Me: “yes.”

Son: “legs?”

Me: “yes.”

Son: “a willy?”

Me: “yes.”

Son: “a minnie?”

Me: “no.”

Son: “oh.” (*Makes driving noises and waddles off with his lego motorbike…).

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