Sex Insurance



Whilst serving lunch to two Insurance Brokers this week, one of them asked me if I wrote erotic fiction, to which I replied that it was more of a satire/life observation/single parenting mix. On leaving the restaurant, they joked about me writing a satirical post featuring an insurance firm – and I became suddenly aware of the potential of using the insurance firm idea but combining it, not with satire, but with the earlier referenced erotica…

And so we have it: the concept of Sex Insurance.

Sex Insurance would allow you to claim against others, (or yourself if you so wished), in the event of below-par sex. This covers a whole range of circumstances, (I nearly wrote ‘circumcisions’ then…), from inadequate technique through to cheating.

Whilst this is something I have absolutely no use for, as a now re-virginised and asexual being, I wish I’d had it in place at the times of being the university bike, and when a flexible 20-something fell crotch-first onto the penis of my little boy’s dad.

Here’s how the policies would look:

First-timer cover: STDs, shocking techniques, poor hygiene, use of wrong orifice, getting caught doing a 69 by parents or grandparents, lasting less than 4 minutes, going for more than 4 hours without changing position, post-traumatic stress disorder.

Mid-rage shagger cover: STDs, secretly having friends or relatives watching from inside the wardrobe, anaphylactic shock from lubrication allergies, injuries (such as tearing of foreskin or anus), cheating* (*does not cover affairs with immediate family members).

Veteran cover: STDs, getting caught by your children, falling asleep on the job, saying the name of a woman/man at work at the point of no return, being left for a Trampoline Instructor,  continued use of the ‘too tired’ excuse for more than two years after your eldest child has left home.

Porn cover: STDs, plus ONE of the following: snapping off of the penis, broken jaw, punctured lung, paralysis from the neck down.

Optional add-on cover:
– Accidental incest
– Intentional incest
– Beastiliaty with small animals
– Beastiliaty with farm animals
– Zoonoses
– Multiple-injuries cover
– Legal cover
– Stabbing the ‘other woman/man’ in the head with a pitchfork
– Accidental death
– Disappointing ‘self-love’ sessions

Not only do I want to take this new initiative to Dragon’s Den, I want to work in the call centre for claims. This could be actual snippets of my day:

“Hello Mrs Smythers, I’m just contacting you regarding your claim for accidental sodomy, against your husband Len; do you have time to discuss the details with me today?”

“…OK and did you say that was a Friesian variety of cattle?”

“How big was the tear? Do you still have two separate holes, or just one great big one?”

The scope for work-related joy is endless here. I can’t wait until the Insurance Brokers return, and I can pitch my idea to them, over their Diavola pizzas.

So all that’s left is a name for the company…


Where there’s an aim, there’s a claim?

Honest John Thomas?

Any ideas welcomed…

I’ve just joined social media this year so any following much appreciated – you can find me on Facebook as Millionaire Waitress or Twitter as @waitressblogger


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