Those familiar with the affects of your arse not touching a seat for eight hours, will understand the ordeal of Waitress Foot. Since my days of high heels are over, and I opt for the daintiness of a flat shoe with a cardboard sole (anything too heavy makes me look like a golf club – please see previous blog on my 32-egg-cup chest…), I have developed the following symptoms:
- As I remove my shoes, the smell of my feet burns my eyes.
- My nails are battered, yellow and require an electric power-tool to clip them.
- My ankles feel like they are going to snap; which makes me walk like I’ve done a big shit.
- My heels feel like acid-laced pokers have been drilled into them and the skin on them resembles a crusty bread roll. But I love my job, and will not be defeated by my vulnerable feet. They need to man-up!
For those that share my pain, or are looking to perfect their feet or to buff up the minging feet of their husbands/wives etc., I have some absolute gems of saviour solutions that I am delighted to share with you. This blog is the first in a series of four blogs endorsing the magic of Posh Brats: the result of a genius lady from America, Brittany Harper De Staedtler, whom I stumbled across whilst looking to banish teenage spots that I should have been rid of 20 years earlier. Her organic and very affordable products gave me cheeks like a baby’s bottom and so I knew that she could transform my rotten feet, before the neighbours logged complaints with environmental health.
Just to clarify, I am no sucker for products – I have always used a budget baby wipe to remove my make-up, olive oil to moisturise and ripped my fingernails off instead of filing them – all for speed and money-saving. But Posh Brats have me as an avid fan. No ego, made with love, have been amazing for my little boy’s eczema and have transformed him into almost being addicted to washing his hair. Brittany has absolutely (toe)nailed her craft.
I treated my feet to Rosemary, Peppermint & Pumice Foot Scrub and Foot Rescue: Lavender, Basil & Lemongrass Foot & Heel Balm:
The first of these is a thick scrub which smells as good as the feeling of love. Putting it onto my feet is like relieving extreme hunger with Nutella cheesecake. Add a little water, rub, rinse and eat your dinner off your feet. They are super clean and smooth!
Then there’s the balm: a grainy oily balm which, aside from having an ‘I mean business’ stature, again smells like a little piece of heaven. It’s easily addictive. You know when you catch a child tasting something they shouldn’t, like cat litter, and they say “I just really wanted to try it”? Well I feel the same urge to eat some of this foot cream.
The affects: whether it’s the divine smell, magical powers, or both, your body becomes so heavy within 5 minutes of application that you could fall asleep even if your feet were set on fire. I can barely walk after using it – it’s like the last few moments before you go under anaesthetic. Amazing. I have been able to work long weekend shifts, interspersed with running 7 miles, and my feet forgive me because they get to bathe in the joy of their new fertiliser.
Gentlemen: looking for lovely gift for your wife or girlfriend? Ladies: got a friend’s birthday? Sick of a waitress friend complaining about her rancid feet? Or perhaps your fella has feet that make you gag? This is your answer; simply gorgeous, and with very classy, vintage packaging. Put the designer body cream down.
I am a week in and I am already optimistic I will be a front-runner for anklet model castings; fighting off 18 year old with my new flawless feet.
You can buy online from www.poshbrats.com, or pop into the Macclesfield Bathery (the shop is a stone’s throw from beautiful hills, country restaurants and only 1hr 43 from London – and it rocks!).
This is no mean feet.